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Gay | Lesbian | Bisexual | Transgender | Coming Out

Gay

First of all, don’t panic.

For many young men who feel they might be gay, it can seem like the end of the world. Well, good news…it’s not. You can live a happy fulfilled life.

What does it mean to be gay?

Males who are physically and sexually attracted to other males. Additionally, we develop romantic emotions and love for other men, the same way heterosexual males do for women. Theses feelings are completely natural for a gay man. The “just feel right.”

You might have had girlfriends and even have had sex with girls and feelings for them. That’s not unusual. However, gay men who have had previous relationships with women often say they felt as if something was missing; they say their feelings for men became stronger and more important.

Another big concern for nearly every young gay man is that he feels he is the only one. Well, more good news…you’re not. A famous study called the Kinsey Report was done in 1948 (yes, that’s even before MTV). It found that approximately ten percent of the adult male populations was homosexual. Other studies have placed the number between five and fifteen percent.

The important this is, you are definitely not alone. Gay men are in every walk of life. There have been many famous gay men throughout history. Today, we are professional athletes, scientists, artists, lawyers, teachers, doctors, movie stars, mechanics, fast food workers, store clerks, judges and engineers. We are Black, White, Asian, Hispanic, Jewish, Catholic, Baptist, rich, poor and well…you get the picture! We are everywhere you look.

How do I know if I’m gay?

This is one of the tougher questions. One reason it is difficult to answer is that different people understand their romantic or sexual feelings at different ages. Because of this, some young men may confuse particularly strong friendships with gay emotions. However, most of us begin to understand the difference once feelings for other men become sexual in nature.

Also, depending on the environment in which we are raised, some of us may feel pressured to suppress or deny that we have gay feelings. You may find yourself ‘checking out’ other boys or men. Dating girls may not interest you. You may feel confused whether or not you are gay.

Confusion may not be helped by other people’s opinions. Many adults will tell us that we’re too young to call ourselves gay, or that we’re going through a phase, or that we don’t know what we’re talking about.

If you think you might be gay, ask yourself:

When I dream or fantasize sexually, is it about boys or girls?
Have I ever had a crush on or been in love with a boy or a man?
Do I feel different for the other guys?

If you’re still not sure you are gay, don’t worry about it! Never feel pressured to stick a label on yourself. When the time is right for you, you’ll know.

Am I normal?

Yes, you are normal. Despite what you may have heard, it is perfectly natural for some people to be attracted to members of their same sex. Because of prejudice, many people push away these feelings.

It’s normal and healthy to be yourself, whether you’re gay or straight. What’s really important is that we learn to like ourselves.

What is it like to be young and gay?

Still more good news… there is no ‘right’ way or ‘wrong’ way to be gay! Because of stereotypes, you might think you have to be a certain way if you’re gay. Forget that.

Gay men come in every possible description. Your sexual orientation is only one part of who you are. You probably have hobbies and interests that are the same as your heterosexual friends.

However, because of homophobia and prejudice, some people don’t accept others who are gay. Gays and lesbians may suffer from discrimination and violence. It’s not easy to discover you are gay. People tend to hate or fear what they don’t understand, and many people don’t understand being gay. Some people are just uncomfortable being around gay men or lesbian women.

Knowing this, you might choose to hide your gay feelings from others, or even hide them from yourself. Maybe you avoid other kids who might be gay because of what people will think. When we work this hard to conceal our thoughts and feelings, it’s called being in the closet. It can be a painful and lonely place to be, even if we stay there to survive.

You may have become so unhappy that you’ve tried alcohol or other drugs to numb these feelings. As the unhappiness gets worse, it can make you depressed. If the depression has gotten bad enough, you may even have considered suicide. That’s one of the reasons why there are many gay and lesbian support organizations.

If you are having problems like these, please look in the phone book for the Teen Hotline or another hotline. There are some terrific alternatives! Many of the support organizations for gay offer a wide variety of services, from social groups, where you can meet other gay friends, to counseling. Check out the resources listed on this site.

Who should I tell?

The process of becoming comfortable with your sexuality and accepting yourself as a gay male is known as ‘coming out.’ When we become comfortable enough to tell others, that’s called ‘coming out to them.’

While it can be important for other people to know about us, it is more important that we use good judgment about telling. Some friends may tell other people without your permission. Family members can be the most difficult people to tell. Even though some families are very supportive, some gay youth have been kicked out of their homes when their parents found out. Only you can decide whether or not to tell your family and choose the right time.

It’s important to have someone with whom to talk. Think about using some of the resources listed on this site. If you are unable to do so, consider whether there is a guidance counselor, social worker, or teacher in you school you can trust.

Will I ever have sex?

Of course you will, but don’t rush into it! IT is never easy to hear that we should ‘take things slowly.’ Or ‘wait until we are older.’ However, when it comes to sex, these ideas can apply.

It is completely normal for you to think about finding an outlet for your sexual feelings. During our teen years we are frequently preoccupied with sexual thoughts and fantasies. The notion of actually having sex with another man may scare you. That’s okay. It’s the same for a lot of us, especially the first time.

Most importantly, you should only decide to have sex when you feel ready. You’ll know when it’s time for you. Never let yourself be pressured into it. If he cares enough about you to share himself sexually, he should care enough to wait until you are ready.

What actually happens when gay men have sex varies greatly. Practices include kissing, hugging, massage, wrestling, holding hands, cuddling, more intimate sexual acts or anything else that appeals to both partners. Remember, you are in complete control over what you do sexually and with whom.

What about AIDS?

You may be tired of hearing about AIDS, but believe it or not, some people still don’t have the facts.

Being gay does not cause Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS); it is caused by the Human Immuno Deficiency Virus (HIV).

Unprotected sexual activities involving exchange of body fluids (semen or blood) between partners greatly increase the risk of becoming HIV positive. Also, sharing needles for injecting drugs greatly increases the chance of becoming HIV+.
The virus can remain dormant in someone’s body for many years. Some estimates are as long as ten years before symptoms of the AIDS disease begins. Other victims become ill and die within just a couple of years.
There currently is no vaccination against HIV.
There currently is no cure for AIDS.

To help decrease the risk of contacting AIDS:

Do not share needles.
Choose sexual activities that do not involve intercourse. Maybe try hugging, kissing, talking, massaging or masturbation on unbroken skin.
Avoid anal intercourse (placing the penis inside someone’s rectum). If you do engage in anal intercourse, use a new LATEX condom every time. Condoms made of natural materials (lamb skin, etc.) break down and allow the virus through.
Use a new LATEX condom every time you engage in oral sex.
Use LATEX condoms with ‘reservoir tips.’ Be sure to squeeze the air out from the tip as you put it on. Keep it on throughout the entire sex act. Hold onto the condom as you remove the penis; it can slip off after sex.
If you use lubricants, make sure they are water based. Petroleum-based lubricants, like Vaseline, weaken all condoms (even latex).

Especially in this age of AIDS, sex is a serious topic. It’s one to consider with maturity and armed with knowledge.

How can I meet other gay males, especially my age?

Check your phone book for a local hotline (remember to look under both ‘G’ for ‘Gay’ and ‘H’ for ‘Homosexual’). If you find one, call and ask for the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender (GLBT) located near you. There may even be a GLBT youth group near you.

Many colleges and universities have GLBT campus groups.

Look for a GLBT newspaper in your area. Check local bookstores, health food stores, and GLBT businesses for copies.

Lesbian

First of all, don’t panic!

For many young women who feel they might be lesbian, it can seem like the end of the world. Well, good news….it’s not. You can leave a happy, fulfilled life.

What does it mean to be lesbian?

Lesbian women are women who are sexually attracted to other women. We are women who may feel emotionally and spiritually closer to women. We are women who prefer women as our partners.

As lesbian women, we are not alone. One out of ten teenagers is lesbian or gay. Many famous women in history were lesbian. Lesbian women are teachers, doctors, lawyers, factory workers, police officers, politicians, ministers, movie stars, artists, mothers, nuns, truck drivers, models, and novelists. Lesbian women are White, Black, Asian, Hispanic, Native American, Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, and Buddhist. You name it, we are it.

How do I know if I’m lesbian?

During adolescence, most young women begin to be aware of sexual feelings and take an interest in dating. Many young women feel physically attracted to men. But many other young women feel physically attracted to other women.

You may feel different from your girlfriends, like you don’t fit in sometimes. When your girlfriends are checking out boys, you may find yourself checking out girls. Going out with boys may not interest you.

You may also feel unsure about whether or not you’re lesbian. Adults tell us that we’re too young to call ourselves gay, or that we’re going through a phase, or that we don’t know what we’re talking about.

You may feel confused because you’re attracted to both men and women. That’s OK. Some women have relationships with either men or women throughout their lives. Our sexuality develops over time. Don’t worry if you aren’t sure.

Am I normal?

Yes, you are normal. It’s perfectly natural for people to be attracted to members of their own sex. Many people push away these feelings because of prejudice against lesbian women and gay men.

Most scientific experts agree that a person’s sexual orientation is determined at a very young age, maybe even before birth.

It’s normal and healthy to be yourself whether you’re gay or straight. What’s really important is that we learn to like ourselves.

What is it like to be young and lesbian?

There’s no ‘right’ way or ‘wrong’ way to be lesbian. Because of society’s stereotypes about lesbian women, you might think you have to be a certain way if you’re lesbian. But lesbian women come in all shapes, and sizes, from all occupations, and with all levels of education.

Because of homophobia and prejudice, some people don’t accept lesbian women and gay men. Lesbian women and gay men suffer from discrimination and violence. That’s why there are many gay and lesbian organizations that work for gay and lesbian civil rights.

Who should I tell?

Coming out is the process of accepting yourself as a lesbian woman and figuring out how open you want to be about your sexual orientation with other people.

Unfortunately, not everyone you know will think that being lesbian is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Some of your friends may accept you. Some may turn away from you or tell other people without your permission. Telling family can be very difficult. Some families are very supportive. But some lesbian and gay youth have been kicked out of their homes when their parents found out.

Maybe there’s a guidance counselor or social worker at your school, or in a local youth or counseling agency that you can trust. It’s important to have someone to talk to because it’s not healthy for young people to have to keep secret such an important part of their lives.

What about sex?

Deciding whether or not to be sexual with someone is a big decision. You may feel very scared at the thought of having sex with another woman. That’s OK. Lots of us do, especially if it’s our first time.

It’s important that we communicate about what we like and don’t like to do sexually, whether we feel ready to have sex or not, and different expectations we may have about the relationship. And it’s important to talk about whether we’re at risk for HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, or other sexually transmitted diseases, like herpes.

There are many ways that lesbian women can be sexual with each other from kissing, hugging and stroking, to intimate sexual acts. We can use our imaginations.

Do I have to worry about AIDS?

All of us should know about HIV, the virus believed to be the cause of AIDS – how it’s transmitted and how we can prevent ourselves from becoming infected. You and your partner should discuss your risk factors for HIV infection and decide what, if any, safer sex methods you should use.

Lesbian women who are at risk are those who:

Share needles if using IV drugs
Have vaginal intercourse with men without using condoms (It’s fairly common that young lesbians have had sexual contact with men.)
Have oral sex with an infected woman without the use of a barrier to protect against infected vaginal secretions or menstrual blood.

Safer sex for lesbian women includes:

Abstinence
Use of a dental dam, a condom, or other barrier for oral-vaginal and oral-anal stimulation. A dental dam is a piece of latex about 5 inches square designed for use in dental surgery. They are available at dental or medical supply stores.
Use of surgical gloves, especially if you have tiny cuts or rashes on your hands.
And all of the other wonderful things that lesbian women do together.
This is only a brief description on HIV and AIDS. Additional information can be found on this site, the Internet or at your local AIDS service agency.

How do we learn to like ourselves?

All people have a right to feel good about themselves. We’re all valuable human beings. Developing self-esteem is important for young people. It’s hard for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender youth to feel good about ourselves because all around us are people who believe that we’re sick, or perverted, or destined to live unhappy lives.

When we feel like we have to hide who we really are, it can make us feel like hurting ourselves, like through alcohol, drugs, or suicide. We may feel isolated, fearful and depressed, especially if we’ve had no one to talk to about the fact that we’re lesbian.

More and more we, as young lesbian women, are learning to like who we are. It helps to read good books about lesbian women – books that have accurate information about lesbian women who are leading very fulfilling lives. It also helps to meet other lesbian women because then we find out that lesbian women are as diverse as any other group of people.

It can help to say to yourself every day, “I’m a lesbian woman and I’m OK.” And try to find someone to talk to who also knows that lesbian women are OK. Remember, it’s normal and natural to be lesbian, just like it’s normal and natural for some people to be heterosexual.

How can I meet other lesbian women?

Check your phone book for a local hotline and ask for the GLBT organizations in you area. There might even be a GLBT youth group in your area.

Look for a gay/lesbian, GLBT or feminist newspaper in your area. Check local bookstores, health food stores, and gay bars for copies.

Make contact with local feminist organizations like the National Organization for Women (NOW).

Many colleges and universities have campus GLBT and feminist organizations.

Bisexual

First of all, don’t panic.

For many young men and women who feel they might be bisexual, it can seem like the end of the world. Well, good news…it’s not. You can live a happy, fulfilled life.

What does it mean to be bisexual?

Bisexuals are men and women who are sexually attracted to both men and women. So, if you’re a girl, it means you are attracted to some boys and some girls. If you’re a boy, it mean’s you are attracted to some girls and some boys. It doesn’t mean you are attracted to everyone. You are attracted to the person who just ‘feels right’ for you.

The important thing, you are not alone. Bisexuals are in every walk of life. There have been many famous bisexuals throughout history. Today, we are professional athletes, scientists, artists, lawyers, teacher, doctors, movie stars, mechanics, fast food workers, store clerks, judges, and engineers. We are Black, White, Asian, Hispanic, Jewish, Catholic, Baptist, rich, poor, and well…you get the picture. We are everywhere you look.

How do I know if I’m bisexual?

During adolescence, most young people begin to be aware of sexual feelings and take an interest in dating. But, different people understand their romantic or sexual feelings at different ages. Because of this, you may confuse particularly strong friendships with dating relationships. However, most of us begin to understand the difference once our feelings become sexual in nature.

Your confusion may not be helped by other people’s opinions. Adults may tell you that you’re too young to call yourself bisexual, or that you’re going through a phase, or you don’t know what you’re talking about. Other gay people may tell you this is just a phase you pass through on the way to being gay or lesbian. Our sexuality develops over time. Don’t worry if you’re not sure. Never feel pressured to stick a label on yourself. When the time is right for you, you’ll know.

Am I normal?

Yes, you are normal. Despite what you may have heard, it is perfectly natural for some people to be attracted to members of both sexes. Because of prejudice, many people push away these feelings.

It’s normal and healthy to be yourself, whether you’re gay or straight. What’s really important is that we learn to like ourselves.

What’s it like to be young and bisexual?

There is no ‘right’ way or ‘wrong’ way to be bisexual. Because of society’s stereotypes of bisexuals, you might think you have to behave a certain way. Forget that! Be yourself.

Because of homophobia and prejudice, some people don’t accept bisexuals. You may suffer from discrimination and violence. People tend to hate or fear what they don’t understand, and many people don’t understand being bisexual. Some people are just uncomfortable being around bisexuals. That’s why there are many GLBT organizations that work for our civil rights.

Who should I tell?

Coming out is the process of accepting yourself as bisexual and figuring out how open you want to be about your sexual orientation with other people.

While it can be important for other people to know about us, it is more important that we use good judgment about telling. Some friends may tell other people without your permission. Gamily members can be the most difficult people to tell. Even though some families are very supportive, some bisexual youth have been kicked out of their homes when their parents found out. Only you can decide whether or not to tell your family and choose the right time.

What about HIV?

All of us should know about HIV, the virus that causes AIDS – how it’s transmitted and how we can prevent ourselves from becoming infected. You and your partner should discuss your risk factors for HIV infection and decide what, if any, safer sex methods you should use.

People at risk are those who:

Share needles if using IV drugs
Have vaginal intercourse with men without using condoms
Have anal sex with men without using condoms
Have oral sex with an infected woman without the use of a barrier to protect against infected vaginal secretions or menstrual blood

To help reduce the risk of contracting HIV:

Consider abstinence
Do not share needles
Choose sexual activities that do not involve intercourse. Maybe try hugging, kissing, talking, massaging or masturbation on unbroken skin.
Avoid anal or vaginal intercourse (placing the penis inside someone’s rectum or vagina). If you do engage in intercourse, use a new LATEX condom every time. Condoms made of natural materials (lamb skin, etc.) break down and allow the virus through.
Use surgical gloves for manual (vagina and fingers) sex, especially if you have cuts or a rash on your hands.
Use a new latex condom every time you engage in oral sex.
Use a dental dam for oral/vaginal or oral/anal sex.
Use LATEX condoms with ‘reservoir tips.’ Be sure to squeeze the air out from the tip as you put it on. Keep it on throughout the entire sex act. Hold onto the condom as you remove the penis; it can slip off after sex.
If you use lubricants, make sure they are water based. Petroleum-based lubricants, like Vaseline, weaken all condoms.
Sex is a serious topic. It’s one to consider with maturity and armed with knowledge.

How can I meet other GLBT people?

Check your phone book for a local hotline and ask for the GLBT organizations in your area. There may even be a gay and lesbian youth group near you.

Many colleges and universities have GLBT campus groups.

Look for a GLBT newspaper or magazine in your area. Check local bookstores, health food stores and gay businesses for copies.

Transgender

First of all, don’t panic!

Some young men and young women feel they were born into the wrong body. It can seem like the end of the world. Well, good news…it’s not. You can live a happy and fulfilled life.

What does it mean to be transgender?

The definition of transgender keeps changing over time. What we are going to talk about here are people born in a boy’s body who are sure they are girls and people born into a girl’s body who are sure they are boys.

You might have known you were born into the wrong body for as long as you can remember. Maybe you’re just realizing that now. Either way, it is important for you to know you are not alone.

Gender and sex are not the same thing. Sex is between your legs, gender is between your ears. So, this can get very confusing very quickly. You may be really a girl, but born into a boy’s body and like boys. This means you might look gay to the rest of the world when actually you are heterosexual. Don’t get hung up on labels, just be as true to yourself as you can be.

How do I know if I’m transgender?

This is one of the hard questions. Some people know from as far back as they can remember. Some people ‘grow into it.’ Part of the process of transitioning (changing from your gender assigned at birth to your true gender) involves seeing a therapist. So, if you are confused about all of this, find a therapist familiar with the transgender community and who is familiar with the Benjamin Standard. S/he can help you sort it all out.

The important thing is, you are definitely not alone. Transgender people are in every walk of life. Today, we are scientists, artists, lawyers, teachers, doctors, mechanics, fast food workers, store clerks and engineers. We are Black, White, Asian, Hispanic, Jewish, Catholic, Baptist, rich, poor, and well…you get the picture! We are everywhere you look.

Am I normal?

Yes, you are normal. Transgender people have existed in all cultures across time. Other, older cultures had mechanisms that allowed their transgender people to fit into the life of their society.

Because of prejudice, many people push away these feelings. But, it’s normal and healthy to be yourself, whether you’re transgender or not. What’s really important is that we learn to like ourselves.

What is it like to be young and transgendered?

This can be really scary. Depending on where you live, there may be support groups in your area for GLBT youth. There may be adult transgender organizations that are set up to support youth. If such groups are not available to you, the internet may well be your only connection to other people like yourself. Please remember the internet safety rules so that you don’t become a victim of violence or abuse.

Because of prejudice, some people don’t accept transgendered people. Transgender people suffer from discrimination and violence. People tend to hate or fear what they don’t understand, and many people don’t understand being transgender. That’s why so many organizations are working for transgender rights.

Who should I tell?

Coming out is the process of accepting yourself as a trans person and figuring out how open you want to be about your gender identity with other people.

While it can be important for other people to know about us, it is more important that we use good judgment about telling. Some friends may tell other people without your permission. Family members can be the most difficult people to tell. Even though some families are very supportive, some trans youth have been kicked out of their homes when their parents found out. Only you can decide whether or not to tell your family and choose the right time.

It’s important to have someone with whom to talk. Maybe there’s a guidance counselor at your school, or in a local youth or counseling agency, that you can trust. It’s important to have someone to talk to because it’s not healthy for young people to have to keep secret such an important part of their self.

What about sex?

Young people wonder, will I ever have sex? Of course you will, but don’t rush into it! IT is never easy to hear that we should ‘take things slowly.’ Or ‘wait until we are older.’ However, when it comes to sex, these ideas can apply.

It is completely normal for you to think about finding an outlet for your sexual feelings. During our teen years we are frequently preoccupied with sexual thoughts and fantasies. The notion of actually having sex with another person may scare you. That’s okay. It’s the same for a lot of us, especially the first time.

Most importantly, you should only decide to have sex when you feel ready. You’ll know when it’s time for you. Never let yourself be pressured into it. If s/he cares enough about you to share themselves sexually, s/he should care enough to wait until you are ready.

What about HIV / AIDS?

Here things can get complicated. The information we are going to share here is based on you genitals, not your gender identity.

People at risk are those who:

Share needles if using IV drugs
Have vaginal intercourse with men without using condoms
Have anal sex with men without using condoms
Have oral sex with an infected woman without the use of a barrier to protect against infected vaginal secretions or menstrual blood

To help reduce the risk of contracting HIV:

Consider abstinence
Do not share needles
Choose sexual activities that do not involve intercourse. Maybe try hugging, kissing, talking, massaging or masturbation on unbroken skin.
Avoid anal or vaginal intercourse (placing the penis inside someone’s rectum or vagina). If you do engage in intercourse, use a new LATEX condom every time. Condoms made of natural materials (lamb skin, etc.) break down and allow the virus through.
Use surgical gloves for manual (vagina and fingers) sex, especially if you have cuts or a rash on your hands.
Use a new latex condom every time you engage in oral sex.
Use a dental dam for oral/vaginal or oral/anal sex.
Use LATEX condoms with ‘reservoir tips.’ Be sure to squeeze the air out from the tip as you put it on. Keep it on throughout the entire sex act. Hold onto the condom as you remove the penis; it can slip off after sex.
If you use lubricants, make sure they are water based. Petroleum-based lubricants, like Vaseline, weaken all condoms.
Sex is a serious topic. It’s one to consider with maturity and armed with knowledge.

How can I meet other transgender youth?

Check your phone book for a local hotline and ask for the GLBT organizations in your area. There may even be a gay and lesbian youth group near you.

Many colleges and universities have GLBT campus groups.

Look for a GLBT newspaper or magazine in your area. Check local bookstores, health food stores and gay businesses for copies.

Going to Come Out

OK, Here are Some Facts About Coming Out at Home Before You are 18

If you come out at home before you are 18, you have a one in four chance of being told to leave the house. That means for every 4 youth who come out, 1 will be homeless.
30 – 40% of homeless youth are GLBT.
CPS can’t really help a 17 year old. You will be 18 before all the legal things can happen.
Shelters can’t take in minors without their parent’s consent. So, just because you see other youth at that shelter doesn’t mean you can go there.
Your parents may tell you to leave the day you are 18.
Your parents may not help you with college expenses.

Questions Youth Need to Consider Before Coming Out

OK, before we even start to talk about coming out, we’re going to list a few things you need to consider before you come out to anyone. After that, we’ll talk about what it’s like to come out to yourself, to your family and to the world.

Are you sure about your sexual orientation?
Don’t raise the issue unless you’re able to respond with confidence to the question “Are you sure?” Confusion on your part will increase your parent’s confusion and decrease their confidence in your conclusion.
Are you comfortable with your GLBT sexuality?
If you’re wrestling with guilt and periods of depression, you’ll be better off waiting to tell your parents. Coming out to them may require tremendous energy on your part; it will require a reserve of positive self-image.
Do you have support?
In the event that your parent’s reaction devastates you, there should be someone or a group that you can confidently turn to for emotional support and strength. Maintaining your sense of self-worth is critical.
Are you knowledgeable about homosexuality / bisexuality / transgenderism?
Your parents will probably respond based on a lifetime of information from a homophobic society. If you’ve done some serious reading on the subject, you’ll be able to assist them by sharing reliable information and research.
What’s the emotional climate at home?
If you have the choice of when to tell, consider the timing. Choose a time when they’re not dealing with such matters as the death of a close friend, pending surgery or the loss of a job.
Can you be patient?
Your parents will require time to deal with this information if they haven’t considered it prior to your sharing. The process may last from six months to two years.
What’s your motive for coming out now?
Hopefully it is because you love them and are uncomfortable with the distance you feel. Never come out in anger or during an argument, using your sexual orientation as a weapon.
Do you have available resources?
Homosexuality is a subject most non-gay people know little about. Have available at least one of the following: a book addressed to parents, a contact for the local or national PFLAG group, the name of a non-gay counselor who can deal fairly with the issue.
Are you financially dependent on your parents?
If you suspect they are capable of withdrawing college finances or forcing you out of the house, you may choose to wait until they do not have this weapon to hold over you.
What is your general relationship with your parents?
If you’ve gotten along well and have always known their love – and shared your love for them in return – chances are they’ll be able to deal with the issue in a positive way.
What is their moral societal view?
If they tend to see social issues in clear terms of good/bad or holy/sinful, you may anticipate that they will have serious problems dealing with your sexuality. If, however, they’ve evidenced a degree of flexibility when dealing with other changing societal matters, you may be able to anticipate a willingness to work this through with you.
Is this your decision?
Not everyone should come out to his or her parents. Don’t’ be pressured into it if you’re not sure you’ll be better off by doing so, no matter what their response.

Coming Out

Like so many things, there are all kinds of theories about what coming out looks like. What we’ve done here is taken several of these theories and put together a model that suits many of us. Don’t worry if this doesn’t look exactly like you, we’re not exactly alike. We hope this covers most steps for most people.

A feeling of being different:
At a very young age, we may realize we are different from other kids. We don’t have a name for it yet, and that can make us feel confused or feel shame. The feelings of confusion and shame can make us hide ourselves. If we are unable to hide (‘effeminate’ boy, ‘butch’ girls) we are often rejected.
Recognizing the difference as sexual:
Until now, we might have experienced our gayness as wanting someone as our best friend. Now, those fantasies, crushes and dreams take on a romantic or erotic tone. At the same time, we realize that homophobia (hate of gay people) and heterosexist norms (the world acts like everyone is straight) are deep and powerful. We see this power everywhere, at home, in school, with friends, in church and in the community.
Changing, sublimating, self-destructing:
This can be a very scary time. We might try to change from being gay. We might make promises to God. We might be thinking about suicide, using drugs, drinking alcohol, having trouble in school, keeping ourselves away from our friends and our family, having unsafe sex, hurting ourselves and committing crimes. None of these behaviors is healthy.
‘Passing’ as straight:
Even though we may know we are GLBT, we keep that secret. This lying is often done to keep us safe. Lying is hard; one of the consequences is that it keeps us emotionally distant from other people.
Calling oneself gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered:
This can be a crisis or a relief. We think of it as the death of the heterosexual self and the birth of the gay self. Once we do this, some of our beliefs, attitudes and values have to change if we are going to feel good about ourselves. At the same time, our basic beliefs, attitudes and values (the ones that define our character) stay the same.
Learning to be gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered:
calling ourselves one of these words means we know gay culture is out there. Getting a place in gay life and gay culture requires we hang out with others like us.
Coming out to family and others:
this process never really ends. Telling others can make us closer to others BUT when we do so, we risk ending the relationship. Parents are usually the hardest people to come out to, we all fear disapproval, rejection, and abandonment by our parents.
Becoming whole and building community:
We may not be out to everyone, everywhere, all of the time. That doesn’t mean we have to make apologies for being ourselves. That doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to be safe and comfortable. That doesn’t mean we don’t get to experience life.

Staying at home

Unless your parents are abusing or neglecting you, we want you to stay at home. Here is what you need to think about before you ‘run to the street’

Joe decides his parents are hassling him too much and he doesn’t want to live at home anymore. His friend says Joe can stay with his family. After a few days, the friend’s family tells Joe he must leave and go home. Joe decides there is no way he is going back and listening to his parents yell. Joe thinks he knows a safe place to sleep in the park, but it rains, and he doesn’t have any dry clothes. He finds a dry place with more people, and wakes up to find someone robbing him. The robber then beats him. Joe still thinks he will be OK on the street. Joe decides to panhandle for some money, but decides it is too hard; everyone is being mean to him. He takes the little money he begged and gets a hamburger, that is all he will have to eat that day. While he is eating his burger, he runs into some kids his own age, they are on the street and offer to ‘hook him up.’ They buy some meth, that way they can stay up all night and sleep during the day when it is safer. Joe becomes addicted to meth, and finds the easiest way to get money to pay for it is to have sex for money. One problem, the tricks don’t want to use condoms, and Joe can’t really say no. Three months later, Joe notices he might have a STI. He hears about a health van, goes to them, and gets a check up. The results aren’t good. Not only does Joe have syphilis, he has been infected with HIV. A caseworker in the van helps Joe get into rehab. Joe is lucky, rehab is working for him. Right before his release date, he realizes he has no place to go, no money, not even a GED and is HIV positive. Now he wants to go home. He is over 18, and his parents tell him no. Joe dies, all alone, three miserable years later.

Wouldn’t you rather be hassled at home for a couple of years than be Joe?

If you are being abused or neglected, tell an adult you can trust. They can get you the help you need.

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